If Fairy Tales Were Reported As Contemporary News Stories

Goldielocks III

Home Invasion by Derelict Teenager Ends Violently (A Goldilocks Story)

Story by Mavrik

Late yesterday evening in a Chicago suburb a 17 year old female whose identity is currently being withheld from the media, illegally entered the home of Lewis Anthony (Papa) Bare while he was out at a local restaurant with his family.  The young lady entered the two story Tudor style dwelling through a first floor rear window.   According to the police report, after infiltrating the premises the teen preceded to make herself to home by  consuming the food contents of the Bare’s  refrigerator – to include sampling various yogurts, reheating the remains of a rather large smoked ham (partially eaten) and finally settling on several microwavable dinners.

At some point there was evidence suggesting that she spent time in the Family room as the 50 inch wall mounted smart television was left on and food debris were observed on several furniture pieces with the bulk of the remains found on a plush leather settee.

Goldielocks IV
by Ryan Furlot

After enjoying her dinner and a show, the plucky teen retired to the bedroom areas on the second floor of the home.  According to Captain Locks of the Chicago Police Department, the girl went through several of the rooms before retiring to that of The Bares’ youngest child.  There was evidence that the intruder spent time playing several games on an Xbox system prior to falling comfortably asleep tucked underneath blankets on a loft-styled bed belonging to the child.


At approximately 2145 hours, Mr Bare returned home with his wife, teenage daughter and twelve year old son.  Shortly after entering the residence, Mr Bare and his wife along with his daughter began noticing various anomalies around the home. “It was a most peculiar and frightening thing to observe half-eaten food items laying around and your television left on”, the 57 year old Bare told reporters.  “I didn’t know what to think but there sure was definitely a sense of trepidation”, he went on to explain.  His son, also named Lewis whom they refer to as Baby Bare or Junior as he prefers to be called, had already preceded upstairs to the toilet prior to entering his room where he found the intruder.  My son had yelled out, “Hey, Dad come up here now!”, or something to that effect. I immediately told my wife and daughter to notify the police and wait at the neighbour’s house next door.  “It was unbelievable! You never expect this sort of thing could happen to you”, Maya Bare (wife of Lewis) told reporters.

Lewis Bare immediately took one of his golf clubs from the downstairs closet on his way Goldielocks IIupstairs to his son’s room. The intruder, startled by Juniors’ shrill alert, dashed out of the bed and proceeded past the young boy towards the stairwell where she encountered Papa Bare with his 9 Iron.  “I was quite fortunate to have taken that particular club as I felt most comfortable with it Lewis stated”. It felt “just right” in my hands, he went on to state. A melee ensued during the encounter as Lewis knocked the bold, young invader down the stairwell.  The teen fractured her leg on the way down the steps and remained incapacitated on the stairwell landing until the police officers arrived.  “The Bares were quite fortunate as incidents of this nature could have ended very differently”, Captain Locks informed the army of reporters outside of the scene of the incident.

The intruder was taken from the home by the local ambulance unit and transferred to a nearby hospital where she will be treated for her injuries prior to being charged for criminal trespass, breaking and entering.  “That asshole broke my leg! I’m gonna get you back for this motherf**ker!”, she was overheard fuming as she was taken away from the premises. “This entire episode has certainly taught me a valuable lesson”, Papa Bare ranted.  First of all I will invest in a home security alarm system as well as a pet or guard dog. Secondly, I will make sure not to keep food favourites on hand for any future invaders”, he said jokingly.


Hope you enjoyed it!


Wisdom I

Adiuva me verterem figuram mundi  Thoth II

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