A Contemporary Christmas Poem

Twas II

Twas the night before Christmas

Yeah, I heard it all before

When all throughout the land

Stirred the pundits and politicians with their soundbites in hand

Their supporters cheered with eyes bulging from their sockets

As they carefully worked the crowds picking cash from their pockets

Twas I
Alan Keyes


There was Trump, Cruz, Rubio, Carson – no Keyes

While Democrats touted Hillary….and that’s all to be mentioned of the donkeys

I tried to block it all out – all the clamor, all the chatter

But I could not slumber due to the water in my bladder

When suddenly outside there was heard such a clatter

I bolted from the toilet to see what was the matter

As more rumblings sounded I got a twinge in my neck

So I grabbed my Nine Mil that I waited for with the appropriate background check 🙂

As I pierced through the peephole beneath the moon’s glowTwas - ford-pinto-1980-8

were eight large St. Bernard dogs pulling a 1980 Ford Pinto

I shook with fear, was so unbelievably frightened

A knock at the door left my underwear stained, less whitened

Who is it,  I asked. I’m packing much heat!

“Please relax your trigger finger!” said he. “I’m carrying some treats.”

I spied once again to assess the situation

Outside stood a jolly old man in a Santa’s suit that seemed regulation

Please open the door he said, it’s cold out tonight

I thought to myself this doesn’t seem quite right

But the bag he carried could contain a big score

What the heck I pondered then opened the door

This is very nice of you he said as he casually stepped in

“Cut the smalltalk fatman and let the gift-giving begin

Have you been good this year asked he while staring at my gun

Absolutely I said Santa with a smile as bright as the sun

He seemed hesitant to believe me though he appreciated my wit

while glaring down the barrel of Lucy he wondered if I had a permit

I purchased her honestly I begged him to trust

Verify this with the gun shop or the government if you must

Ok, Ok you’re alright with me

“Really Santa!” I stated with glee

He said, “I must be going now as those dogs are getting quite ancy.”

I have something for you though its not very fancy

I said I’ll take what you got as he pulled the gifts from his sack

Then rushed he back to his Pinto and dogs before they got jacked

As I watched that jolly old man leave my sight

I thought how I enjoyed his company with delight

But weighing his visit from the left or the right

I’d rather be watching that KID………




Twas III

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